I just read a story about a Rutgers University student killing himself after his roommate secretly videotaped him having sex with a man in his dorm room. The video was broadcast on the internet. The only thing I can think of is...WHY?
Why did the roommate do that? Why did he post that video of Tyler to the internet? Would he have done the same thing if Tyler Clementi had been having sex with a female? I doubt it. I think the videotaping and posting was intended to embarrass and humiliate Tyler. Why? Is the roommate homophobic? If so, I can understand that, because I am not comfortable with homosexual relationships. However, I don't strive to ridicule or embarrass others. I just don't empathize. Did Tyler hide his sexual orientation, thereby causing the roommate to be eager to "out" him? Did the roommate hope to dissuade Tyler from rendezvousing with other men? Was Tyler leading a double life?
Why?
Every day I am challenged by passive-aggressive people. These are the folks who want to tell you something, usually to express dislike or displeasure with something, but don't have the nerve or skill to just say it outright. Instead, they convey their thoughts and feelings with snide remarks and underhanded behavior. Effectively dealing with passive-aggressive folks is the bane of every good manager's existence. It's hard!
We all need to do a couple of things. First of all, each and every one of us needs to practice empathy. Always, always, always, put yourself in the other person's shoes. Then act accordingly. You want to tell your co-worker that she is the most annoying person on the planet? Imagine her telling that to you. Would you appreciate it? Would you accept is as constructive criticism and improve? Really? If not, think very carefully about how you tell her. Think very carefully about what you are going to say. Because although we can forgive, rarely do we manage to forget.
Unintended consequences are the hardest to suffer. I am positive that Tyler's roommate never dreamed that he would jump off a bridge in response to what was done. The roommate may have even intended it as a joke. Regardless, he did not think it through. He didn't consider all the possibilities. He didn't know as much about Tyler as he thought he did.
I certainly am not perfect. I have intentionally and unintentionally hurt others. But, I try to remember that none of us knows what the other is thinking, living with, or going through. None of us. NO ONE OF US. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. The way I expect to be treated.
Remember that each action causes a reaction, and act accordingly.
It's that simple.
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