My Very Serious Diet

I'm fat. I'm in good company, as 35% of all Americans are overweight, and around here I think that percentage is surely much higher. I've been fat most of my life. I was not fat in high school (although I thought I was), and I was not fat for about two or three years in my 20's, but other than that, I've been fat. Occasionally, I get scared of just how fat I might really become, and I do something about it. This means anything from starving myself for a day or two to working out to attending Weight Watcher's meetings to taking prescription appetite suppressants to eating low-fat, high protein meals, to drinking Slime ('scuse me, Slim) Fast shakes to just sitting around, being depressed about it. Over the years I have been a member of almost every fitness club and gym in town, and have read numerous books (Atkins, South Beach, Eat this, not That).

And I'm still fat. Go figure.

This time doing something about it meant joining a program called Healthy You. It's offered by my employer, and I can attend for free. Some people have lost 40 lbs in 16 weeks on the program. I would like to lose 20. I will still be fat, but not as fat. And, if I lose more, well, that's great! I have seen the doctor in charge of the program, and attended the first class. Of the 16 weeks of class (I call them Fat Class) I must attend 12.8 sessions or pay. And, it's quite expensive, so if I fail I have to pay a lot of money and continue to be fat. I thought about it long (a year) and hard before making the commitment, so if I blow it, it is all on me. The first class was really nothing more than having my measurements and weight recorded. Lauren, the slim, young, pretty trainer, took me first, which I thought was odd, but maybe it was because I had my work ID badge on, and they were trying to get me in and out quickly? Whatever the case, I went with her and she led me next door to a scale. It's a very solid, sturdy scale, too. I bet that sucker can weigh up to 1,000 lbs if a person that big could stand on it. I should have asked her, but I was busy dreading what the number was going to be when I stepped on it. Before I did, she said that I would weigh the same way each time; if I kept my shoes on this time I would always keep my shoes on when weighing. She said some people take off their jewelry and shoes and most everything. I don't wear a pound of jewelry, so I wasn't worried about that, but in the past I have always removed my shoes. This time I decided to go all the way, and keep the shoes on. I'm fat. I know it. My shoes know it, too. I jumped on and watched the numbers. I am not going to tell you what the final result was, because it's just downright embarrassing, but it was a lot.

Lauren then led me back to the corner where she handed me this gadget that measured my percentage of body fat and BMI. It had two handles and I gripped it with my arms extended in front of me. I asked her how in the world this thing worked and she said it supposedly administers an electrical impulse (not felt) that travels through the body and back to the gadget. Huh, I said, and watched the numbers. And, damn. I am 44% fat. Almost half of my body is fat! No wonder I am always hot! I forgot what my BMI was, but it was way up there, too. Good Lord. Fat, fat, fat. After that she measured my arm, bust, waist, hips, and thigh. The results were big, enormous, big, huge, and big. Just so you know.

After my measurements, I returned to class and listened to Jackie, the instructor, talk about the program. Jackie is about 90 lbs soaking wet, so I was trying to pay attention to her, but really was thinking about how damn small she is. Even her voice is small. Some people. Anyway, the others in the class went one at a time to be measured, and I did not hear any screaming from next door, so I figured nobody was surprised. We then received our materials which consisted of a big binder full of info and more handouts. Then we purchased our meal replacement packs. That's what this is; a meal replacement program. We are supposed to consume 4 shakes a day, 3 servings of vegetables, and 2 servings of fruit. I decided to go with this program because I have a hard time eating right. I figured drinking a shake instead of making the right food choices would be much easier. One of the ladies in the class had done it before and she swore to us that the shakes were delicious. Jackie swore the shakes were yummy. And there are two cookbooks full of recipes explaining how you can use the stuff to make muffins and brownies and even soup, so I thought this might actually work. Because one of the recipes was for pizza (using the creamy potato soup package as crust), I chose as my two boxes for the week one chocolate, and one potato soup. I paid my money, and I was back to work, dreaming about how skinny I would be in May!

I started the shakes the next day. I whipped one up for breakfast while sitting at my desk, and it was really not that scrumptious. Not at all. But, Jackie and that other lady said to put a teaspoon of sugar-free chocolate pudding in there and I was fresh out, so I was hopeful the shakes would be better after a trip to the grocery.


 Okay, one shake down. I worked all morning, proud as could be with my new diet. However, by lunch I was ready to cry with hunger. I drank another shake during a meeting where everyone else was eating REAL FOOD and then I went to eat with my boss (he treated me for my birthday). At lunch I ate a baked potato and a fruit cup. I asked him how many servings of fruit he thought that was, and he said one. I thought probably at least two, but I went with what he said. After lunch it got hairy. I did not have time to drink my third shake (really, I was too busy to take 5 minutes to mix up a shake), and by the time I went to the grocery (my God, Kroger fried chicken never smelled so good) and returned home, I was ravenous. I excitedly mixed up the creamy potato soup (I love potatoes!), added fake butter, garlic, and onion, and sat down to enjoy a delicious bowl. Oh, this was going to be so good! Hm, the first spoonful was not what I expected. Neither was the second. Halfway through it I was forced to admit that it was nasty! I had to choke it down. What was I going to doooooo?, I screamed in my head. In desperation, I heated up and ate half a can of lima beans and started to feel like I might be okay, then opened a pineapple chunks cup. My husband asked if he could have some pineapple and I just gave him the cup (I felt like throwing it at him, but I did not). Dejectedly, I spent the next 2 hours completing school assignments, and then I went to bed.

First day was no good. I consumed only 3 shakes. Tomorrow would be better.

Tomorrow was yesterday. I love a good routine, so after I arrived at the office I immediately created one. I filled my shaker cup thing with 8 ounces of water, added ice, the chocolate shake mix, a teaspoon of  sugar-free pudding, and started to shake that sucker up. Immediately, globs of chocolate shake went flying. I did not have the lid on tightly. This is undoubtedly why it is not a good idea to eat or drink at your desk. By the time I cleaned up my desk and myself, I did not even want the stupid shake. I drank another one at lunch time, and ate a small salad with none of the stuff I like on it (still, it had to be at least 2 servings of vegetables), and another baked potato. I managed a fruit cup around 3pm (during another meeting), and then tried out a recipe for supper. I wanted to make pizza! I mixed up the dough and found it to be about the size of a flat biscuit. And it was sticky. I'm not sure what I did wrong, but I wrestled with the "dough" until I got enough on the stone to form my crust. I added a tablespoon of pizza sauce and a little fat-free shredded cheese. I popped it in the oven and waited. After a while, it looked like the "cheese" had sort of melted, so I figured it was done. I put the "pizza" on a plate and got ready to enjoy my dinner. Bite number one was not good. It was official. That creamy potato soup is nothing but gross! And I have a whole box of it! What am I going to doooooo?? I scraped the pizza sauce and cheese off the dough, ate it and threw the crust away. I ate a fruit cup and went to bed. It was 6pm.

Day two was not good.

This is day three, and I am worried. How long can I live on yucky chocolate shakes (and puhleese, these are shakes only because you shake them up), 3 servings of vegetables, and 2 of fruit before I crash and burn? And, no alcohol!

I'm fat and I'm insane. It's time for another shake. Stay tuned.